Reconsider Conversing with: stubbornness Sometimes I take up a position and defend a principle with great passion in my mind, especially when I feel attacked. I may find many good reasons to stay firm. But then, when I feel that I've weathered the storm, a mild voice grows in me that I might now relent, that I don't have to look at things so starkly, that the issue isn't the only one or the most important, that time brings forth other issues. Ultimately, I always do relent, when I myself feel ready. This also helps me to avoid getting into arguments, to not be afraid to see them through honestly and vigorously, but to be prompt and resolute in letting go of them. 730 B3-0

Example (730) Choo-choo train One day, perhaps for my birthday or for Christmas, my parents got me a black plastic choo-choo train that I could sit on and pretend to ride around the apartment. I must have been three years old because we were still living at the Page Street apartments in Buena Park. It was the first impressive toy that I had and I treasured it because it was "mine", because it was given to "me", and it was an acknowledgment that I should "have" things. My parents invited over Robbie's family. He was a little boy who used to live at the apartments, with whom I had played sometimes, but didn't really know, as I basically played by myself. My mother and father asked that I show him my choo-choo train and let him ride it. I said No. I felt it was mine and I wanted to keep it that way. They insisted. They said I was bad. This disturbed me greatly. My parents said later that I refused to talk to them for three days. But I remember some of what I was thinking: that it was deceitful of them to give me things and later to say what I must do with them; it was the same as to take them from me; that thus no notion of property could ever be secure; and thus there could be no ground for civilization; and this made progress untenable; yet progress was our highest ideal. I think finally they allowed that I had not behaved badly. And then I relented that my parents were loving people and that I should not make too much of this. But I told myself that I would never get attached to things. 1850 B3-0

Buvau labai geras vaikas... paklusnus... neišdykėlis

Avoid whatever is unsafe Conversing with: possible misfortune As a child, I was always extra careful to stay away from anything that might injure me, such as saws and machinery. I still am. I don't play with danger.789 A-1

Stay away from what can harm but can't be necessary I stay away from drugs and am not curious about them. I would tell myself that they can't be necessary for my quest and so they can only hurt me. I stay away from those who want to be degenerate, who want to descend into ruin, who want to involve me in their dysfunctionality.1110 A-1

Būdamas geras, buvau ir įtarus savo gerumu, bei kitų

Distinguish what I have control over Conversing with: irresponsibility As a child, I was a bit afraid of plants. My mother had a beautiful yard with many plants, including a section with dense ivy and large throated jack-of-pulpits. I was suspicious of plants because they seemed very patient, which could be a ruse. I didn't want to allay my suspicions simply based on what other people did or thought. Yet I realized that, if indeed plants might be malevolent, it was beyond my capabilities to establish that, and so I should accept what people thought.720 32-0

Entertain a doubt Conversing with: possibility As I child, I found plants to be suspicious, because of their possibly great patience, thus unpredictable and dangerous.756 32-0

Ir taip pat nepatikdavo malonūs žmonės, juos įtardavau

Kaladėlės išdėsčiau, susigaudžiau, kad kitoje pusėje priešinga tvarka

Šachmatus tempdavo į kitą kambario galą, paskui bandydavau atspėti ar prisiminti, ką ten palikau

Broliuką pamokydavau, jis buvo labai gabus, net stebėdavausi, bet jam trūko kantrybės, tad nusivildavau, pavyzdžiui, kai mokiau sudėti skaičius.

Darželio nelankiau, bet šiaip, išsėdėjau visas mokyklos klases.

Man buvo svarbu pajusti, kad mano protas tobulas. Iš dalies rūpėjo nepripažinti galingesnių.

Look for what's missing Conversing with: incompleteness In childhood I often chose to study whatever I knew the least about. In sketching out a system for self-education, as in mathematics, I keep thinking, what to add?628 20-1

Skaičiau knygą apie Afrikos civilizacijas, nes apie jas nieko nežinojau.

Dėliojau pašto ženklus, skaičiau jų katalogus.

Mokykloje savo protu pabrėžtinai aplenkdavau visus, tad pasijusdavau be konkurentų, laisvas, galintis pasišvęsti sau, saviugdai. Mokytoja išsiųsdavo į bibliotekėlę. Užduodavo rašinius rašyti.

Hang out with the disobedient What won't I know? Conversing with: conditional rightness I was a good kid, but would charge myself to hang out with disobedient or rebellious kids, to know about their life, to round out my knowledge. I learned what was meaningful about being "cool".799 A-0

Empathy for disputants Conversing with: conviction By having empathy for people, I was aware how intensely they clung to their truths, often unknowingly, the truth of the world.654 B3-0

Internal dialogue with someone dear or critical Conversing with: convictions I often have dialogues in my mind with people I know. I suppose they are sparked by my feelings and my conscience. In reflect about events in my life, I will feel a wish to say to somebody the truth. But am I being fair to them? What would they say? My mind provides their reply, what they might say. And then I think and reply. In this way, my mind rehearses conversations that may be several minutes long. I recall doing this in grade school as I rode home on the bus, thinking to myself. I have had many conversations with my parents, with good friends, with girls and women I have been in love with, and even certain peripheral individuals who are critical of me. I have a crush on a woman, but then imagine, what if she had an abortion, would I still love her, and what would I say? I have had many conversations in my mind with my parents about the things I do that irk them, such as not getting a hair cut or my difficulty in making a living or my adventures in life or my philosophical ideas, or their aspirations for me, such as being Lithuanian or being a good person, kind and of good will. I learned that people in my mind were more real, vibrant, honest, direct, intense, distilled, than they were in real life. True, in real life, when they said something unexpected, I had to adjust my understanding of them, yet in mind, there could also be something similar, when I managed to see them in a new light, and indeed, I would converse with them in my mind until I could resolve all of my feelings. I noticed that my conversations with God are quite similar, and I could explain to others that, in that sense, God is very real to me, just as the people in my mind are more real than they are in real life. In 2011, in speaking about this with my father, I learned that he actually doesn't have any such conversations. I suppose I have them because I was never able to talk with my parents and others as much as I liked about what I cared about, and because when I did have a chance, I didn't want the conversations to go on unhelpful or hurtful tracks.709 B3-0

Believing in my superiority My mother thought that I might need glasses, but I resisted that idea, I suppose because I didn't wish to allow that I was imperfect in any way. One day we were driving home from Lithuanian Saturday school on Highway 5. I would read out loud the exit signs as they came up. My sister Rima managed to read our exit "Carmenita" before I did! How could that be? I realized that she saw it before me. That's when I admitted that I needed glasses.2091 T-0

Observe teachers teach Conversing with: successful communication As a child, I often already knew what the teacher was teaching, or felt it was taught slowly, so I watched them teach, and considered how I would teach differently, what is the deep meaning?738 B4-1

Appreciate my vulnerabilities I was in first or second grade when I got glasses. It turned out that my vision was very bad. I can hardly make out the features of people's faces. Although I resisted needing glasses, I appreciated that they were a great gift. I wondered, how would I have survived before glasses were invented? I might not be able to work at all, I might have to be a beggar. And so I appreciated that I was not master of my own circumstances, and thus not free to do as I pleased.2090 C3-0

Take a remark to heart Conversing with: another's perspective I take to heart remarks by my parents and my loved ones. My father ever taught me to stand erect and to walk with my feet straight. I take to heart remarks by my students and their parents. Some of them would worry about grades and exams. I may not have the same concerns, and I may not agree with their conclusions, but I can't deny their feelings. I want to make sure that I am doing what's right and so I have to be mindful of their concerns and address them by changing my behavior, by making it understandable or at least, by showing respect for them.749 B2-1

Show good will Conversing with: another's wishes My father taught me to always show good will. I saw him practice that many times in many ways. Showing good will helps me imagine but also notice others' wishes, purpose and good will.684 B2-1

Take counsel to heart Conversing with: loving care As a boy, I was in love with a popular girl, Lacie Diaz, who said but a few words to me, but which I took to heart: Not to curse like the other kids, for it did not suit me. To wear wire-framed glasses, which I only could many years later. Another young woman taught me to say compliments. And a young man, Johnny Gonzales, after many years of saving me, told me to fight my own battles.744 B2-1

Recognizing influences on my perspective Conversing with: my own thinking I notice how television engrosses my thinking and how I am a freer person by not having one. Radio takes up mental bandwidth, too. The cultures that I have lived in have shaped my thinking of what's important. My efforts to link up with God have fostered my appetite for being with God.631 C2-1

Influencing myself Conversing with: my own essence I exert my will power to influence myself to be good in all ways. As a young person, I didn't care much for fruits or vegetables, but as I got older, I would at times encourage or even force myself to eat them, so that now I eat many more of them. I was weak and didn't have friends, so after school I would go outside and play sports on our block, and then later, I went out for the water polo team in high school. At home we spoke Lithuanian, but it took great effort to think in Lithuanian, and yet I chose to do so and persisted, successfully. I think this especially taught me to value "caring about thinking", which became my motto for Minciu Sodas, my lab of independent thinkers. But even more importantly, I was vigilant in my mind to weed out mean thoughts and to think good thoughts. 632 C2-1

Direct my thinking Conversing with: capability By directing my thinking to thoughts or objects, important or otherwise, I note what I can be sensitive to, the variety of what can engage my attention. I can temporarily focus my attention on any thought, or away from it by focusing on another, or even be still in my mind, yet ultimately my mind is always drawn by peripheral thoughts or events. I like to think. It is not something I want to turn off. Rather, I want to make the most of my thinking. I see that by ever thoughtfully directing my thinking I have in large part shaped the mind that I live in.786 C2-1

Care for mind, body and spirit Conversing with: harmonious life In eighth grade we were taught the Greek view of harmonious growth in mind, body and spirit. This encouraged me to take up sports, even though I was very weak. In high school, I joined the water polo and swimming teams. We swam from 6:30 to 8:00 in the morning and from 2:30 to 5:00 in the afternoon. I was always the worst, but I grew to be quite well built and of at least average strength.778 C3-0

Justification Conversing with: given Certain ideas I have thought are dangerous, and justification helped me to realize, in what sense I think they are. Also, I was born in California but raised Lithuanian, and justification made me embrace my Lithuanian heritage in a very conscious way.606 C3-1

Relent Conversing with: injustice When I was fourteen or so, I had a chess coach, Robert Snyder, who one day locked the room, sat next to me and told me I was "special". I told him to get away from me and then I told my mother it was improper and we should call the police. She resisted, explaining that it could destroy his life, and so I didn't call the police and even stayed on as his student, with nothing like that recurring. Decades later he was convicted of molesting minors. I learned that I could be not so harsh. In college, I had a roommate who sold pot, said he wouldn't do it anymore, but took on a new shipment anyways. I was appalled that he lied, and I wanted to call the police, but my other roommate, who had made the discovery, had us talk to housing instead. He was kicked out of housing, but stayed in the university and never faced the police. I realized what a gross injustice there was compared to how Black American youth were treated.745 B3-0

Good deed Conversing with: justice Lord Baden-Powell taught scouts to do a good deed every day. As a child, I took this seriously. Later, I appreciated the opportunity to do good. This concept helped me to see the dynamics of good, the way that it worked, its significance and advantages, not yielding return directly, and yet allowing for good things to happen to me as well as others, and importantly, fostering my character.716 R-0

Learning from my failures Conversing with: other possibilities I learned not to brag about my mind because that can hurt others; to be ready to lead because others may not be ready;to use the simplest vocabulary so that I would be understood by everybody; to make clear my main point so that people could help me; to not be modest so that people would be aware of what I can do.675 R-0

Take in all thoughts Conversing with: unlimited Once in a while, I marvel at the amazing variety of input that engages me and enters my mind. I could easily believe that there is an objective world around me, which I can't help but accept, so as to get by. It is a world that can easily overturn any model which I might suggest for it. Thus, I don't look to it for assurance, but rather I stay open to it. I feel obliged to take seriously whatever I note, whatever I am told, so that my character might be completely informed and thus ever perfected. John Muir has celebrated in detail, with awe and joy, the wonders of the Sierra mountains.591 C1-0

Observing what is going on around me As a nearsighted child, I noticed "floaters" that moved across my eye, chains of blocks. I learned about cells in my biology, and then, one day, sitting in a dentist's chair, I thought, the floaters must be chains of cells which I can see because they are close up, right on my eyeball. My mother said no. But later an optometrist confirmed that, yes, indeed they were! I thought it was wonderful that I could see human cells with my own naked eyes!1235 C1-0

Example (601) Watching human cells floating on my eyes As a nearsighted child, I noticed "floaters" that moved across my eye, chains of blocks. I learned about cells in my biology, and then, one day, sitting in a dentist's chair, I thought, the floaters must be chains of cells which I can see because they are close up, right on my eyeball. My mother said no. But later an optometrist confirmed that, yes, indeed they were! I thought it was wonderful that I could see human cells with my own naked eyes! 1236 CB-0

Learn from other's mistakes Conversing with: menaces Noting other people's failings and failures, I took them as confirmation not to use drugs, not to manipulate other people or think of us as different. I appreciated the privileges of my life, my opportunities and my need to apply myself and my virtues.765 10-0

Battle with myself Conversing with: my own fate Many times, I've comforted myself by touching myself, and despite that pleasure, I know well that afterwards I feel dissipated and depressed. Yet my mind is so creative in coming up with justifications at the time. But it does seem to make a difference that I battle my mind, even if I lose. And from this battle I have learned many things, but especially that my mind and my will are different. I am my will and not my mind.702 C3-0

Sort out my own feelings Conversing with: my knowledge Sorting through my feelings, I recognized various distinctions. I disavowed feelings of shame because they came from others and not myself, and so I felt it was wrong to shame and to feel shame. In contrast, embraced feelings of guilt as healthy because they came from inside my own self, and I could resolve them internally. I felt pleasure or comfort in fondling myself, but afterwards it inevitably made me feel depressed and spent, and so I concluded from my own feelings that it was wrong for me to do and I should ever resist that, even though I constantly failed. I thought it was my own personal addiction, sin that helped me identify with other people's addictions, failings of character, sins. Yet I felt that, in any event, it was not central to my life, it was not what was key to understanding me.741 C4-1

Address the causes of my bad mood Conversing with: responsibility I wondered about the causes of my moods and concluded that sometimes they have no reason, and perhaps that is their purpose, to kick us out of our usual tracks.758 32-0

Appreciate futility What must it take for me to know everything? Conversing with: redirection Growing up, and seeking to know everything, I used to think that I could know human affairs from political science, which I could know from sociology, which I could know from psychology, which I could know from biology, which I could know from chemistry, which I could know from physics, which is based on mathematics. I was very interested to take high school physics and learn about the fundamental constituents of the universe. But the small bit that I surmised was that at the quantum level, reality itself seems to fade away, as if to say, you aren't meant to find anything here! And at that time, in the 1980's, it seemed that it would take billions of dollars of equipment and hundreds of scientists just to participate in the smallest way. So I concluded that if I am to know everything, God must make that possible.785 A-0

Suppose that God will make things doable As a high school student I came to think that physics at the quantum level simply fades the way, and so is not a foundation for knowledge of life. So I concluded that if I am to know everything, God must make that possible. The truth must be at hand, easy for me to find, as if I was to search for a lost key at the foot of a lamp post, where the light happens to be best.1103 A-0

Consider what others avoid knowing What don't people want to know? I decided that if I am to possibly know everything, then God must make that knowledge easy to find and intuit. But others have not yet found it. So it must be a place where people could look, but choose not to. I surmised that it must be the wisdom of life, for there is no science of how to live our lives. Few people seem to wish that there be such a science. 1102 A-0